So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
