She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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