Plan B is the new Plan A
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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