OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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