Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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