You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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