I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
