i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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