Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
