I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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