nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
