I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
