I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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