Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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