you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
