so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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