he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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