Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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