I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
