I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
