i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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