omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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