carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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