...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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