4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
