My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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