I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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