I'm so fucking centered right now
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Someone shattered a urinal.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
