So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
