new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
