Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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