They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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