I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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