I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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