tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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