Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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