I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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