I think im going to throw up on grandma
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
