I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
