Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
