i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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