Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
