Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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