Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
