I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Randomize
