i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
