i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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