T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
