can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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