I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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