I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
