Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
