it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
