Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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