You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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