you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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