True but thats because hes a fetus.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
