I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I pour the whiskey from now on
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
