How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
