you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
