watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
