true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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